"Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that's the whole art and joy of words."

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Wednesday Lights, iii


 
 
So I know it's Thursday, but Wednesdays totally wear me out and today I got to benefit from this happy little lady.
Being 35 weeks pregnant and doing the monthly grocery shopping along with a toddler is pretty, um, trying tiring. But I can't get over how sweet Cose was today. She was fabulous at the grocery store and at Target. We shared a *decaf* mocha (me, obvs, more than her, right) and just sat and chatted before we checked out at Target. It was lovely!
I got so upset when I realized my phone had died and we couldn't stop by and visit some ladies from church on our way home because I didn't know directions. She said, "Oh it's okay mommy, tomorrow." Right!
We paid our rent. Depressing.
We got home and took over an hour to put everything away, empty out the fridge of questionable items, change laundry, empty the dishwasher, load the dishwasher, chop up stuff for the crockpot, and make lunch. Exhausting.
But man having Cosette as my work buddy today was just so uplifting. She told me about how we are going to visit the ladies tomorrow, how our family is coming to visit this weekend, and how she loves mommy.
Thank you Jesus for my sweet baby!
So silly!
 

Monday, January 28, 2013

Some New Stuff We've Tried

 
We finally jumped on the cloth diapering bandwagon. Must say it's been fine, but a little *shocking* after using disposables for almost 2 1/2 years. Starting the whole fiasco on a toddler who may or may not be interested in potty training is probably not the easiest way to begin, but I'm so glad we did. Anyone else get that obnoxious lump in their gut when they toss disposable after disposable in the garbage? Ah, I finally don't have it!
 
After 2 months since the switch, thoughts...
 
We bought these in a few patterns:
They're Bumkins one size covers. So cute. Also, so slippery. They are made of a slicker material that works like a shoehorn for pants. Easy on, easy off with the pants. Not so great for trying to keep little bottoms covered. And obvs, when the pants come down, the diaper slips down too. Ah! I like these okay, but you have to be diligent about keeping the pants up. We do tend to have more leaks with these too than our others.
 
Also got a bunch of these:
 
These are Flip one size covers. LOVE these. No slippage with these. No probs really at all. They are pretty darn thick too so soggy prefolds don't leak through as quickly. Yep, love these.
 
Cloth are so worth it. You aren't tossing literally a TON of diapers into a landfill per child, they're better on their little bottoms, and they're cheaper!! But you have to decide that...
 
a) having your risk for touching pee and poop go up dramatically is OKAY
b) being slightly inconvenienced by "stuffing" each diaper before putting it on (cover+prefold+liner if wanted) is OKAY and unstuffing after is OKAY
c) changing more often is OKAY. You aren't tossing money every time you change if you use cloth, so it's just an adjustment from the hours you can stretch a disposable (prob not the best for a bottom anyways, but definitely convenient). Definitely will be changing more like every 1-3 hours.
d) doing an extra load of laundry 2-3x per week is OKAY, plus a little extra attention in the wash 1-2x a month to "strip" the excess soap and, um, "smell," is OKAY
 
Okay by me, so cloth diapers will be here to stay I imagine. I am still befuddled by what to do with dirty wipes while I'm changing, since they don't go in the wetbag and can't be flushed. Not on the cloth wipe bandwagon yet, but I suppose I can be persuaded. And the ammonia smell was definitely bothering me up till yesterday, until I just ran them all through about 4 rinses and got the excess soap that attracts the ammonia out. Overnight, still just using a disposable to avoid wet PJs and sheets every morning...And I am hoping to try some Bumgenius dipes since they rule the market, and we also have some pocket diapers (the absorbant insert goes actually inside the cover instead of just lay on the top of it) we'll try with Little Guy. Okay, so that's all on diapers...On to laundry soap...
 
 
These are the ingredients you need to make your own laundry soap. Box of Borax, box of Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda, bars of soap (Fels-Naptha). You literally measure out the first two ingredients to the right amounts, grate up the soap (looks like cheese :)) & run through a food processor to turn to powder, and then mix all 3 items together. Boom, laundry detergent. This isn't my picture, and I guess it's showing how you can then boil the powder with water to get the even more economical liquid form, something I never tried. Anyways, this recipe is brilliantly cheap & easy. Only draw back is that the ingredients aren't at every Walmart and Target and You Name It store. Since we've moved I haven't been able to find them yet. This rocks, but you have to be okay with:
a) actually sitting down to grate and grind the soap bars. Just do a ton at once, and in an hour you'll have enough for 2 months.
b) not having a perfumey scent waft up at you as you fold laundry. there's like, no scent to the clothes at all.
c) saving a RIDICULOUS amount of money!
 
Okay, that's all for laundry soap, now on to the Cosette portion of the broadcast...
 

Cose got her FIRST EVER HAIRCUT this weekend!!
Before. Super fine, straight hair (where'd that come from???? my mother!) that was finally growing, but just in the back! Notice that Ashley gave her her own comb to use during the cut...so cute!

Daddy & Mommy got a little weepy here. What? It's a parent's perogative.

Almost done! Longer in front, short stack in the back. She was GREAT!

Here it is today!
And yes, that is baby Jesus in her hand. He's been requested often and today I just couldn't say no.

Love my little girl so much! Even when she disobeys me, gets the stool out in the kitchen, steals the Corn Flakes, and shuts herself in her room with them, and then can't figure out how to get back out, as is currently happening...

One more pic from last week, when we went to visit our best buds!
Cose and Vantus :)


Thursday, January 24, 2013

Wednesday Lights, ii

 
Okay, so this hasn't been the best stretch of parenting I've ever done. For a week, Cosette has taken a pass on her afternoon nap. And about once a week she wakes up early early early in the morning and ends up in our bed. Flopping around and chatting with us. At 4:00 am. The other day I ended up in her (toddler) bed. Not pretty, although quite a feat.
 
And all this accumulates and I feel overwhelmed. There's a feeling embedded in all parents, I think, that begs for me time that has been eternally forfeited when our first precious baby is born. Even during times when I'm at work, or out with friends without Cosette, my mind is divided and my body is reacting to whatever her schedule has construed. There's no more me time ever. I'm not me any more; I'm someone more.
 
I love this; this is a privilege. It is an ultimate act. Give yourself for someone else! Parents who don't understand this miss out. Parents who do understand this, though, often feel like we're drowning. I'm trying to embrace the awesomeness of being a parent.
 
Anyways, here are some more lights of the week so far...
 
Playing puzzles with John at church while Dione & I (okay, Dione) reupholstered the lobby chairs.
 
 
This looks just like the wind chime I have hanging outside my front door.
Lots of folks sent chimes instead of flowers to my Grandpa's funeral.
Their chiming always cheers me up. And they're going nuts right now!
 
Something only a Daddy would do... :)
 
 
 
On Tuesday, Keith & Cosette & I ventured downtown to Crown Center and had a blast at the Crayola Factory Store and at Fritz's, the coolest-ever restaraunt that delivers your food on mini trains!
This is a mega pumped face. Coloring @ the Crayola store.

Coloring @ an easil now

Watching trains deliver the food at Fritz's! Silly.

Sitting with Daddy.
I LOVE family time where the 3 of us are out (or in) focusing on each other!
 We ended the outing with a stop at a candy store, and I truly understand the "kid in a candy store" adage. Holy moley. But we successfully made it out with lemon drops, gummy worms & letters, and something else??
 
 
Baby PK feels so huge these days and moves like a slow tumbling giant. I LOVE it. 42 days till the due date!
 
 
 

Sunday, January 20, 2013

33 Weeks

A while ago I saw on a friend's blog this cute little questionaire that asks all the right questions of a pregnant lady. Thought it'd be fun to fill out a couple times with this pregnancy (and also useful to refer to in the happy case of another future pregnancy...I keep asking myself, Was this how I felt with Cosette?).
Anyways, 33 weeks this week. Today the chalkboard says 46 more days!
Terrible picture because of the flash, but still cute. Hi Cosey!
And today's sweatshirt and yoga pants do nothing for my figure, darlings. So no retakes.
(Oh, and neither does the all-morning-with-a-toddler-at-a-small-church exasperation expression.Can't seem to wipe it from my face.)
How far along: 33 weeks.
Baby's size: 4 lbs and about 17” long (although Cose was only 18” at birth at 38 weeks…)
Sleep: Er, it’s been better. I keep waking up flat on my back and it’s so hard to find the motivation to roll over. Weird dreams too.
Maternity Clothes: Yep, and I love the BeBands I have that allow me to wear my regular pants! Been into leggings and long shirts recently.
Food cravings: I.love.grapefruit.
Food aversions: None really. I am WAY too in to food these days.
Symptoms I have: Pressure, back aches. No sciatic nerve pain for about a month! Tiredness. And Braxton Hicks like crazy. All the time. So done with those. 
Doctor’s Appointment: 34 week appt is next week, followed by an appointment every week in February. Whoa! At my 32 week appointment my midwife told me baby was head-down already, so hopefully he has stayed like that.
Movement: Yep, a lot. He gets especially jiggy when I eat and when I’m teaching cello lessons.
Gender: Boy!
What I’m looking forward to: Getting to see him for the first time! Smelling sweet baby breath. Getting our planned natural delivery into the past (I’m not worrying too much about it, but you know, just a little)!
What I miss: Not knowing if I’m tired, achy, grouchy, etc because of the pregnancy or because I need an attitude check J. Feeling like I can do projects by myself instead of needing the extra energy or muscles from my hubs. Not having a constant back ache!

And here's way back to 15ish weeks (I think I was a little earlier along than 15, hence the "ish")

How far along: 15 weeks.
Baby's size: a small apple.
Sleep: let the weird dreams commence! Most nights are full of weird dreams and not a lot of good sleep.
Maternity Clothes: Sometimes. Pants still fit if I want them to, but maternity jeans are just more comfy.  
Food cravings: Blah. If anything, fresh foods like fruit and salads and sandwiches made with…fresh foods!
Food aversions: Mostly this and mainly that… Especially rich food. Cheeseburgers, my fav food, have been banned from being mentioned. Fast food in its entirety. Coffee is still out of the question, although tea has been creeping in here and there! Almost every possible food has fit into this category. 
Symptoms I have: Round ligament pain…yippee! Nausea still (although the dreaded v-word has disappeared from the routine for now!). Rarely hungry. Incredibly tired and zombie like most of the time. Complete lack of motivation for school…oh wait, that may not be a pregnancy symptom.
Doctor’s Appointment: 3rd one is coming up in 2 weeks. Should get a referral for an ultrasound, where I pray everything is okay with baby; and, we should find out gender!
Movement: Hm…not feeling movement yet!
Gender: No guess. It’s either a boy or a girl :D
What I’m looking forward to: Feeling baby move regularly! Eating like a normal person again. Not shuddering at words like “pizza” and “casserole”
What I miss: Self-motivation. Energy! Food!


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Thoughts on Miscarriage...

 
Whoa, I know, lots of posts in a row.
 
But I just wanted to share what makes Baby Boy such an amazing blessing to us at this time. It's really personal, and pretty much the first time I've shared. But it seems so right...
 
In the Summer of 2011, after a 3rd ultrasound in my first trimester, we went through the motions that accompany one of the worst words in the language: miscarriage.
 
I remember holding it together during the ultrasound, but losing it entirely in the restroom off the ultrasound room. Keith was there, and luckily Cose was at home with a sitter. We knew when we went to that appointment that the news would probably be bad. Just...didn't want to see it and hear it for sure. Didn't want it complete.
 
How are you supposed to feel when you miscarry so early? Are you supposed to grieve? There's no person to hold and whisper goodbye to and bury. No pictures, no memories of firsts. No one else knew about this precious life but the 2 adults who had already dreamed about its life, name, face, and special place in the family.
 
We were sitting in the OB's office, and of course is was grey and rain was falling like sheets down the outside window. The OB, well practiced in this sort of news, tried to encourage us with words like "blighted ovum" and "was never there." No real loss, right?
 
But I'm the mom, and there was something there. I had life in me, embedded into me, telling my body to prepare a place for our new child for the next 9 months. And then something happened and our baby stopped growing. Our baby was so small that ultrasound couldn't really detect it for sure. So small that we never saw a confirmational heartbeat. But I was that child's mom, and I knew its presence.
 
And I already loved it. That's the hardest part.
 
Our child was going to be my January baby, due right at the beginning of 2012. 18 months apart from Cosette. Just like I wanted our kids to be.
 
I chose to forgo the D&C and just let my body take care of things the way it knew how to do. That seemed more healing to me. I actually had the miscarriage on July 4...hard to forget. And then...just...nothing.
 
There's an extreme emptiness that accompanies miscarriage. Partially because I don't think we know how to grieve, partially because it was my body that seemed to have betrayed me and my child (and the word miscarriage really doesn't help with this), partially because it was a very personal, quiet loss.
 
Acquaintences would joke about when we were going to pop out baby #2. Um, well, baby #2 was here and gone already, thanks for asking. You guys should think about having another one so close to Cosette...it's fun! Oh, okay, that's a great idea. Wait, we tried that and lost him. And now we won't have kids as close in age. And we don't have our baby.

Friends would say the wrong things: At least you never saw its heartbeat. You know, it probably would have had a lot of genetic problems. But that's my baby; it was alive, and I loved it regardless of how perfectly not-normal it would be. At least you didn't lose it after it was born. That's true, thank you Lord, for that must be a loss as dark and deep as black itself; but still, I feel pain.
 
It was almost exactly a year between this loss and the beginning of Parker's life. The wait was, well, horrendous, but I couldn't bear to conceive again during the time I would have been pregnant. Something about that really terrified me, like I was betraying that child's life to replace it with a life that never would have been if our miscarried baby would have lived.

Keith & I also made a big life-change and decided it would work for me to go back to school so that I could do what I wanted to do in Speech Pathology. So instead of having our second child in the new year, I kicked off 2012 back in the classroom at KU. That didn't really jive with getting pregnant again.

But still. Like I said, emptiness and darkness accompany miscarriage, strange, unphrased thoughts that exist more as feelings than words.
 
 I was myself for the most part, but with a secret inner piece missing. It would flare up at times and would feel like nothing was right in the world. Then it would retreat to the darkness and let me be for a while. I regret that I didn't allow the Lord's peace to fill me during much of this time. I tried to bear it on my own. Not even Keith could fully understand the pain.
 
But then Parker came to be, and I felt my soul restored by the Lord. No more missing pieces inside me. Yes, a loss our little family will always remember and reflect, but somehow I was whole again though we were missing our little baby.

Waiting through the early weeks of this pregnancy was very difficult. For the most part I didn't believe I was pregnant. And walking into the 9-week ultrasound, knowing that either my greatest happiness or deepest pain would be satisfied, that was tough.

(Click here to hear the song that the Lord encouraged me with the entire drive to the ultrasound and during the first few minutes of it.)
 
Parker's life has brought me healing and restoration. I can't wait to meet him and hold him and enjoy his presence. And to tell him thank you for coming along at a good time.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Wednesday Lights

 
It's really hard to be the person I want to be when I wake up tired and Cosette wakes up spunky indepedent. There's only so many "I want that" and "I need that" and "No say me no, Mommy" and "I no want Mommy" and just plain "No!" that I can take before I turn into a goblin.



I was so disappointed in myself when we were driving home from a grocery trip this morning. I hadn't enjoyed my morning with Cosette at all, had barely stumbled through it in fact. Hadn't meditated on the beautiful Psalm I read this morning or the chapter on Prayer that I read, written by a beautiful friend Libby Tedder. Hadn't accepted any peace offered me as a child of God. I had just succumbed to the exhaustion and to the fears that understand exactly when to surface and chip away at me, slowly slowly slowly.

So I started thinking about things I like, things that lift my spirit, things in my life either good or Good, that I don't want to look past.


When you run an orange peel in the garbage disposal, you get sprayed with a cloud of citrus!
 
 
My new boots. The best boots in the world. Bought with money given me by my Aunt and Grandma. I wear them every day, with everything, all the time, match or not.
 Look who's going to be in here in a few weeks!
This chalkboard makes me so happy too.
The red paper clipped on is Cosette's permission form to join a tumbling class in Feb & Mar.
She's so not a baby anymore...
 
 
 
Speaking of, I cleaned up the high chair and put it away today because Little Miss is so consistently eating at the table now without dropping her food everywhere.
Horray, extra space in our tiny kitchen!
 
 
 
One of my precious students gave me this pendant for Christmas and I haven't stopped wearing it.
Even has an end-pin!
 
 
 Freshly Fluffed Max Dog.
Bathed, brushed, and his bandana is even clean!
Must enjoy quickly, as odiforous natural scent will return in a few days.
 
 
 Friends who send you Christmas presents because they love you.
Laurryn & Matt, we love you guys.
 
 
 
Already my soul feels so much happier! Thank you Lord! Light and Loved.


Monday, January 14, 2013

I'm Back!

It's only been 2 years, right? Plus or minus...eh.

I used to think I could only blog if I had something life-altering to discuss, but now that I have some free time, I realized I've changed my mind. I want to document our lives, the day-to-day stuff. I want to remember when Cosette said something hilarious or how I felt right before Parker was born. So I'm back.

Hopefully I can figure out how to sprucify the blog layout, but for now, it'll do.

Last month was a pretty hard one. My Grandpa passed away on Dec 15 after a series of hospital visits for breathing problems and infections acquired while in hospital. And I missed him. I had hoped to see him for a final visit after the weekend had passed, but he decided to go on Saturday night.

Here he is with Grandma and Cosette a few years ago.

Grandpa I miss you, and it's a hard kind of miss, because you were so quietly and unobtrusively a part of things, and yet, who you were shaped who my Dad is and therefore shaped in part who I am. We missed you so much at Christmas, but no one said anything, because we didn't know what to say. But your name was still on all the packages that Grandma still somehow had time to buy for Keith and me and Cosey, a reminder you had just been here so recently. But your name wasn't on the anniversary card Grandma gave us...it looked so empty and wrong without it there. I realized you wre gone then, at that moment, well after the phone call, after the visitation and funeral, days later.
Spent shell from the Navy gun salute at his funeral. Couldn't have been happier to see him honored, since he never brought attention upon himself. And I'll always remember that super cold rainy morning at the gravesite, when both his 80-year-old brothers nodded their heads at the casket and whispered him goodbye. You're never too old to be okay with losing a loved one. But something I'm so glad for is that Grandpa to see us at Thanksgiving on Skype. I'll always remember how you saw Cosette on the screen and said her name. You are precious to me and I miss you.
Last month also marked another powerful loss.
This sweet little guy passed away in his sleep. I wanted to write about him because he was my friends' child and because he was Cosette's friend, but also so that everyone knows that he is special and his life mattered in this world. Miss you little Thomas. I pray I can be a friend your parents want around in this time.

Whew, life can be so rainy sometimes. But there are sunny days too, praise the Lord!

We've been at our little church for about 9 months now and can't believe how it's evolved. It seems all we do is pray and dream dreams and come open the doors on Sunday morning and God has done the rest! What do you have in store for us, Lord?  


Our church building! Lawrence Faith Church of the Nazarene (minus foyer)
Cose & Braylin eating Sunday morning cake! It's becoming a tradition, thanks to Andrea :). Lord, bring our church more kids!!!
And today, today, just today...
We ventured out to HobLob on this 19 degree morning...yikes. I'm pretty sure my passenger door was latched but open and letting in the cold air on the highway. Nice. We spent exactly $20 and came home and made this...
It's kinda bright, but I think I like it!
Before we came home though, we made a stop at Dunkin Donuts! That probably explains the sugar coma...


And I'm around 32 1/2 weeks!
Maybe I should retire the horizontal stripes after today....