"Child, to say the very thing you really mean, the whole of it, nothing more or less or other than what you really mean; that's the whole art and joy of words."

Friday, April 26, 2013

Cosette


 
Cosette has been driving me nuts recently.
She's at a special adult-baby time of life. She's big enough to use the potty, put on her shoes, and not use a bib. She's small enough to end up in our bed some nights, to need hugs when she gets in trouble, to need help picking up her toys, to cry when she looks at her band-aid on her knee.
But mainly she's just sassy. Getting the last word in. Contradicting. Ignoring. Doing the deliberate opposite. Oh yes, hello almost-3-year-old.
 
There are times I want to cry. or yell. or give her the kindle and tell her to knock herself out with Netflix while I hide in my room.
"Leave him be," "Don't pick him up please," "Let's not climb on the counter," "What's in your mouth?" It goes on and on. What's the point?
There are times I look at her face looking at mine just waiting for my response, and I wonder what happened to me. Where'd I go? Am I just her mommy? Is that all I am? I spend my days correcting her behavior, cleaning up her messes, teaching her how to love her brother, her family, God. Putting up with whining, crying, yelling, accidents. Desperately wanting "me time." I'm admitting there are times I miss me. I'm lost in the mommy role and can't find myself. I almost despair from losing myself.
 
Yesterday I went in her room to hang up her laundry. She wasn't in her room, and it felt empty. There were signs of life, Noah's ark animals I've stepped on the last three days and clothes and blankets from her bed she didn't sleep in last night strewn everywhere. But without her in there it felt empty. I hung up her pink hoodie, something she had just given life and shape to when we were playing outside. I stood there in her messy, empty room and desperately loved her. Everything about her. Coudn't bear for a moment even the imagination of life without her.
 
I have been deeply moved by the loss of Thomas in December. Our friends put their precious 4th child to bed one night and had to say goodbye to him the next morning. Unexpected, undeserved, unknown. They are so brave, facing life without part of them. Without even knowing him so well, I miss him so desperately for them. Well, Thomas, you have helped me love my babies more, little guy.
 Here's the link to Thomas' dad's blog.
 
There are a lot of times today when I look at Cosette's little face and realize she is mine and I want her so desperately, want her around, want her in my life, want to be her mother for all of life. Just want her. She is a wanted, loved child. She's made my heart 3 times too large. I am me, and that is, I am her mommy. I'm just more. What more could I give her, than to desperately desire her in my life?

3 comments:

  1. I had times where I was so frustrated with Hunter I just wanted a weekend alone, He would go stay the night and I was calling at 8 am to see if he was ready to come home!! I do remember it was in his younger years that the where is me time feeling was everyday... I am wondering how it will be with this new little one!! I was so sorry to hear of the loss of Thomas and was wondering myself how life would go on after something like that??

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  2. Tears streaming down my face after reading about little Thomas. Rachel is just about his age. Your words ring true, Allison! These little precious children are incredible gifts, of which we are to be good stewards with a lot of help from JESUS. We're blessed.

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  3. Hi Allison! Thanks for sharing this link-what a touching blog and journey. I'm going to share in on my Facebook page. It is amazing to read his unimaginable thoughts-when we peopl "I don't understand how you are feeling right now"-he makes it very clear. We all still have so much to be thankful for in the midst of life's tragedies. If that husband and wife can say it-we all certainly can! Thanks again!

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