Cosette

 

Cosette has been driving me nuts recently.

She's at a special adult-baby time of life. She's big enough to use the potty, put on her shoes, and not use a bib. She's small enough to end up in our bed some nights, to need hugs when she gets in trouble, to need help picking up her toys, to cry when she looks at her band-aid on her knee.

But mainly she's just sassy. Getting the last word in. Contradicting. Ignoring. Doing the deliberate opposite. Oh yes, hello almost-3-year-old.

 

There are times I want to cry. or yell. or give her the kindle and tell her to knock herself out with Netflix while I hide in my room.

"Leave him be," "Don't pick him up please," "Let's not climb on the counter," "What's in your mouth?" It goes on and on. What's the point?

There are times I look at her face looking at mine just waiting for my response, and I wonder what happened to me. Where'd I go? Am I just her mommy? Is that all I am? I spend my days correcting her behavior, cleaning up her messes, teaching her how to love her brother, her family, God. Putting up with whining, crying, yelling, accidents. Desperately wanting "me time." I'm admitting there are times I miss me. I'm lost in the mommy role and can't find myself. I almost despair from losing myself.

 

Yesterday I went in her room to hang up her laundry. She wasn't in her room, and it felt empty. There were signs of life, Noah's ark animals I've stepped on the last three days and clothes and blankets from her bed she didn't sleep in last night strewn everywhere. But without her in there it felt empty. I hung up her pink hoodie, something she had just given life and shape to when we were playing outside. I stood there in her messy, empty room and desperately loved her. Everything about her. Coudn't bear for a moment even the imagination of life without her.

 

I have been deeply moved by the loss of Thomas in December. Our friends put their precious 4th child to bed one night and had to say goodbye to him the next morning. Unexpected, undeserved, unknown. They are so brave, facing life without part of them. Without even knowing him so well, I miss him so desperately for them. Well, Thomas, you have helped me love my babies more, little guy.

 Here's the link to Thomas' dad's blog.

 

There are a lot of times today when I look at Cosette's little face and realize she is mine and I want her so desperately, want her around, want her in my life, want to be her mother for all of life. Just want her. She is a wanted, loved child. She's made my heart 3 times too large. I am me, and that is, I am her mommy. I'm just more. What more could I give her, than to desperately desire her in my life?

a liquidy post

ok, hard day. typing one-handed because little guy has to be held all day...unusual. he kept waking up in his bed screaming, like terrified screaming. won't nap.

 

big sister has been really sweet with Parker, but i have had to save him from multiple blankets on the face. right now she's looking cute with her new haircut and yoga pants...her 4th pair of pants for the day.

 

yes, 4th. potty training. i don't know what we're doing, but there have been LOTS of wet pants in the last 2 days. and 1 pair of, well, you know. i have wanted to laugh hysterically, cry, get angry, quit, force my conscience into her mind...hmm, yeah. it's been hard.

 

patience, allison. that's what the Lord's been whispering.

 

pee puddle on the floor 2 inches from the potty because that spot looked better than the potty? ok. taking an hour to cut up one onion because of the crying one and the peeing one? ok. planning for my 2nd day back to work, trying not to cry about the whirlwind that will suck my family into it again with our old pace of life back? ok. waiting, waiting on good news from loved ones who have been without for so long? ok. wait.

 

have patience!

 

peace while waiting; now you can't force yourself into that. there's nothing human about real peace. it transcends all circumstances, all people, and abides in the one who desires the Lord. He knows i need Him, so i'm pressing on toward him.

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in other news...

 

we celebrated and recognized God's unfathomable grace that goes before we even know Him. we chose infant baptism for both our children as a sign of God's saving work in our lives. we had Parker baptized by my dad this past sunday. we do not believe that our act of baptizing Parker saves him, but that the Lord has saved him. when Parker is able to understand that, we know he will be responsible for asking for that salvation and confessing his faith. we can't wait for that day!